Grapes of Wrath
by The Living Scratching Post
Summary: The Doctor becomes ill and Rose suspects foul play! They'll need the help of a smart secretary and a young pageboy to save the day this time.
1. Chapter 1

Yay! My first Doctor Who fanfic and my first fanfic not concerning Warriors! Please review! I want to know what you think! Please don't go too easy on me; I want to know what you really think and I don't approve of unneccesary flattery and lying. Anyways, here goes nothing...

* * *

In which Rose encounters a party that is too wild for her

Rose stood on the balcony of outside of the flat she shared with her mother. The crisp night air was cool and refreshing after the crowded confines of the flat and the rowdy chatter of the guests.

Why were there guests in their flat, you ask? It was Rose's mother Jackie Tyler's birthday. Jackie had invited most—if not all—of her friends.

It had turned out to be a really great party. Well, it _had_ been a great party, until _he_ showed up. Rose had locked him in the bathroom because she didn't want him wandering in and embarrassing her.

But as fate would have it, one of the women had to use the bathroom and when she tried the door and found it locked, she took her hairpin and deftly picked the lock. When she saw a man sitting on the sink, looking out into space, she let out a surprised shriek. The man, startled, stared at her as if she was some sort of alien from outer space. Then he saw the open door.

With a "Oh, sorry, pardon me, madam" and a sweeping but slightly mocking bow, he leapt off the sink and, to Rose's mortification, stalked out as if nothing unusual had happened and joined the party.

And, then…Well, the party had become way too wild for Rose's liking.

After a few drinks, tongues had been loosened, and wild stories had been told, getting more and more nonsensical as more and more alcohol was consumed.

Rose had snuck out, unnoticed by the others, who were either too drunk to care or too absorbed in what they were doing to watch Rose.

Rose could still hear the raucous voices of the partygoers and decided to wait awhile longer before going back in.

She lay on her back looking up at the star-scudded sky. The sweet scents of hibiscus, columbine, primrose, and other flowers Rose couldn't identify wafted into her nostrils. She closed her eyes, a contented smile playing on her lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry 'bout this one being short! It seemed longer on paper. Please review! And review truthfully! I don't like lying and I don't like making people lie.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Never ever drive after you drink. Either have somebody else who isn't drunk drive you, or wait until you aren't drunk anymore before you drive. The best idea would be to assign someone the role of driver before you leave for the party.

* * *

In which Jackie praises Tom's new van

Rose slowly opened her eyes. She didn't know what time it was, but the sun was beginning to rise, so it must've been around five or six in the morning.

As she raised herself onto her elbows, Rose wondered what had woken her up.

"Rose! Where are you, Rose? Rose!" It was her mum's voice. Yes, that was what had woken her up, her mum calling her. And from the worry in Jackie's voice, it seemed as if she had been calling her for a while.

Rose leapt to her feet and raced back into the flat, where she found Jackie standing in the middle of the living room.

"Oh, there you are! They're all gone, you know. Tom doesn't drink so he drove everyone home in his new SUV. Have you seen Tom's new SUV? It's very big and it's got these shaded windows so you can't—"

"Mum." Rose raised her hands, silencing Jackie's babble. "Mum, where's the Doctor? I can't see him anywhere."

Jackie groaned. "It's always about the Doctor, isn't it?" She looked around the living room with an exasperated expression, but whether she was exasperated at the Doctor or at what she thought was her daughter's obsession with the Doctor, Rose couldn't tell. "Dunno. He drank what everybody else didn't, then ran off somewhere when my back was turned."

Rose groaned and ran back outside without another word.


	3. Chapter 3

As always, please review! Yes, this one is a little longer than the previous one, thank StarClan!

* * *

In which the Doctor has a hangover

Rose saw the TARDIS standing in its usual place outside Powell Estate.

As she neared the blue police box, she heard snores emanating from within.

Rose grinned to herself and, unlocking the TARDIS door with her TARDIS key, slipped in.

The Doctor was sprawled on the floor, blissfully unconscious and snoring very loudly.

Rose clapped her hands over her ears. Who would've thought that a nine hundred year old Time Lord could snore so loud?

She kicked him gently in the side with her foot, but he only grunted in his sleep and went on snoring.

She gave him another kick, this time a _lot_ harder.

The Doctor let out a howl and his head shot up, striking the center column of the TARDIS with a painful-sounding _thud_.

"Owowowow!" he cried, clapping his hands to his aching head, his eyes watering. "What's the idea?" he squeaked.

"You snore." Rose shot an evil grin at him.

"No, I don't!" he shouted back indignantly. "Ooh!" he gasped. "My achin' head! Too loud! Too bright!"

"Welcome to Hangover Central!" Rose sniggered. "Oh, and, yeah, you so totally snore! You could win the gold medal for loudest snorer, hands down!"

The Doctor snorted and tried to get to his feet. He hit his head on the TARDIS again. "Ye-owch!" he shrieked. He fell back with a wince. A moment later, he tried again, and again he hit his head on the TARDIS.

The Doctor lay back, gasping and wheezing as if he'd run several miles. Rose was worried, but then he tried to stand up for a third time.

Third time's usually the charm, and on his third try, the Doctor made it to his feet.

He staggered around the TARDIS for a bit until he stumbled and fell into Rose's arms.

Rose noticed that his eyes were bloodshot and unfocused. "Allonsy, Alonso! I do love llamas, especially ones with bananas," the Doctor mumbled. His eyes rolled back, his head lolled, and his body went limp.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry about the chapters being short! This one is longer, I promise!

* * *

In which the Doctor becomes a blind-mute Time Lord

With grunts of exertion, Jackie and Rose heaved the Doctor onto Rose's bed.

"Coulda warned me he was heavier than you," Jackie groaned, rubbing her aching arms. "If I ever decide to take up weight-lifting, let me borrow him."

Rose pulled the pink bedspread over the Doctor's prone form. "He'd be no good at coaching that, but if you ever decide to lose your hearing, I'll gladly lend him to you for a few nights at no cost. In fact, I'll _pay_ you myself."

Jackie glanced up, a new gleam in her eye. "Really? How much?"

Rose just shrugged. "Minimum wage?"

At that moment, the Doctor's head shot up. "Rose?" he gasped in a hoarse voice.

"Right here, Doc!" Rose cried loudly, causing the Doctor to whimper and fling his arms over his face.

"Don't call me that!" he rasped indignantly. In a gentler tone, he added,"Could you please turn off the lights?"

Rose and Jackie leapt up at the same time to flip the switch. Rose reached the lightswitch first, and flicked the switch with a triumphant cry of "Beat ya!" Jackie glared at her daughter, and snorted disdainfully, her arms crossed over her chest.

When the two women turned back to the Doctor, he was doubled up, retching and spluttering. By the time Jackie opened her mouth to call her daughter to inform her of the Doctor's condition, Rose had already heaved the Doctor out of the bed and was in the process of leading him out the door by his sleeve.

Jackie stood by the door, wondering where Rose was taking the Doctor, when she heard a horrendous bout of coughing, a loud thud, and a scream.

* * *

Rose had almost gotten the Doctor to the bathroom when he started coughing. He was coughing so hard that he stumbled and fell against the bathroom door, bringing Rose down with him. 

The Doctor landed on his back, with Rose on top of him. He coughed again and Rose felt droplets of something wet and warm drip down her face. Glancing down at the Doctor, she saw a scarlet liquid of a higher viscousity than water spurting from his mouth, eyes, nose, and ears. Rose screamed.

It was blood.

* * *

"Rose!" Jackie's voice was full of outrage. "What--" 

"I can explain, Mum!" Rose cried, and quickly stood up. "But not now! Quick! Help me with the Doctor!"

Jackie stared, bemused, at Rose, but then she saw the Doctor's ashen face, and pulled the Time Lord to his feet, and led him back to the bedroom.

Rose stood staring after them, amazed, for a moment before grabbing some hand towels and following her mother and the Doctor into her old bedroom.

* * *

When the Doctor opened his eyes, it was dark. Very dark. He couldn't see a thing.

He raised his arm as high as he could (a little less than an inch) and groped around until his fingers brushed against something that felt like human skin. He opened his mouth and tried to say his companion's name, but nothing came out.

Rose felt something brush against her arm and glanced down. She saw the Doctor's lips moving, yet he made no sound. "Doctor? Doctor, what's the matter?" Rose cried.

The Doctor tried to tell her that his eyes weren't working, but it seemed as if his larynx wasn't working, either.

_Great_, he thought_, now I'm a blind-mute Time Lord. This really sucks_.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the reviews! Don't worry, I'm not gonna kill off the Doctor; I'm too besotted with him to do that! And no, House is not gonna pop up. That would be very scary. However, some old friends will be popping up soon, but I'm not gonna tell you who! Am I evil? Affirmative. 

* * *

In which Rose encounters a homicidal psychopath with a broadsword

"Doctor! What is it? What do you need?" Rose cried.

The Doctor balled his left hand into a fist and ran it back and forth over his flattened right palm.

"Ooh, I love this game!" Jackie exclaimed. "Do you want a knife?" The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, oh, oh…Oh, I don't know!" Jackie threw her hands in the air in a gesture of defeat.

"Do you want a paintbrush? Or-Or…Pen and paper!" Rose cried. The Doctor nodded furiously. Rose turned to Jackie. "Mum, get a pen and some paper! Quick!"

Jackie dashed off, muttering under her breath. She returned seconds later with a pen and a notepad. "Here you go," she grunted, handing the requested items to Rose.

Rose held the two items out for the Doctor, but he was staring at the door. "Doctor," Rose hissed, frustration creeping into her voice, "you asked for pen and paper. Here's your pen and paper!" The Doctor glanced up and stretched his arm towards Rose's midriff. Rose shoved the items into his outstretched hand. "Here you go, Doctor."

The Doctor nodded and proceeded to write something on the notepad. When he stopped writing, Rose peered over his shoulder at the two words written on the page: TOM SHORT.

"You mean the Tom Short who doesn't drink and who just got an SUV with shaded windows that are so dark you can't see through them?" Jackie gasped. The Doctor nodded and wrote something else below the name:

DURING PARTY SAID SOMETHING ABOUT POISONED WINE

Jackie shook her head. "Nah, nah. He was talking about how his sister got food poisoning from drinking wine at a wine tasting party."

The Doctor shook his head and wrote: HE SAID HE HAD POISONED THE WINE, or at least that's what he intended to write.

Rose cocked her head "'Ow do you break wine?" The Doctor stared at the space beside Rose's head in confusion, causing Rose to look around to see what he was staring at, but saw nothing. "Whatcha looking at?"

CANT SEE ANYTHING, the Doctor wrote in reply. He flipped the page over and started writing on the back of the first page. CANT YOU READ I SAID HE POISONED THE WINE NOT BROKE IT.

"Tom wouldn't do such a thing!" Jackie cried in indignation. "I've know him for absolute _ages_!"

But nobody was listening to her. The Doctor's nose was bleeding again, bleeding very badly. His trenchcoat, which Jackie had buttoned up because he had been shivering earlier when he was unconscious, was covered in blood.

He felt so dizzy and light-headed. He knew it was from bloodloss, and not a reaction to having drunken more than a bottle of wine at Jackie's party.

The Doctor felt his head sink back against the pillows, and his body go limp, and he knew no more…

* * *

Rose shuffled her feet nervously as she stood outside Tom Short's house, feeling very stupid and very scared. _If he's as big a homicidal psychopath as the Doctor suspects, he might stab me or something before I get a chance to speak, _Rose thought. _Why am I doing this? Because the Doctor can't do it himself. _Thinking about the Doctor, lying in a coma, shivering under the pink bedspread, gave Rose new strength. She raised her fist and rapped on the door.

The door opened. A tall, broad-shouldered man stood in the doorway, gripping the hilt of a huge broadsword with two hands the size of salamis.The point of the sword was pressed against Rose's breast. Rose screamed.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm glad you all love it! Thank you! Thank you! bows Anyways, I promised we'd meet some old friends, and here we shall meet one, but their name will not be revealed until the next chapter. Only I know who they are! MUAHAHAHA! You all better hope I don't get amnesia between now and tomorrow. This one is gonna be another shorty.

* * *

In which Rose is attacked by an old friend

The man lowered the sword. "Ach, ye're jes' a wee lassie," he said in a thick Highlander burr.

Rose stared at him. "Uh, uh, uh, who are you?" she stammered.

The man sheathed his sword and dropped to one knee. "Ah'm Thomas MacDuncan, at yer service."

"I'm Rose Tyler. Do you know my mum, Jackie Tyler?" Rose asked hesitantly, staring down at the older man. She was kind of creeped out by him, actually, and wondered how he and her mother met.

"Ach, aye! 'Ow's the auld lassie doin', eh? Though, Ah didna ken she 'ad a daughter," he replied, nodding eagerly.

Now Rose was getting really creeped. "You talked to me at the party."

MacDuncan cocked his head. "Hmm? What party?" Rose sighed. Then he gave a little gasp of remembrance. "Ach, Jacklyn's party? That the party ye be talkin' 'bout?" Rose nodded. "Couldna gang tae it, but Ah didna wanna offend Jacklyn, so Ah told mah nephew tae gang fer me."

Rose raised her eyebrows at him. "Does he drink?"

MacDuncan shook his head. "Nah, alcohol makes 'im quite ill."

"Did he get a new SUV?" Rose asked. MacDuncan only shrugged.

"Where does he live?" Rose asked.

"Come in, come in. Ah'll hafta dig up mah address book." MacDuncan smiled kindly at her and stepped aside. "Ah jes' made a kettle o' tea. Come into the kitchen an' have a cuppa while ye wait."

* * *

Rose was walking down the street towards Geoffrey Smart's house. Geoffrey Smart was Tom MacDuncan's nephew. 

A figure in a long black coat with the hood pulled over its head stalked Rose. It crept out from an alley and slunk behind a rose bush.

Rose thought she saw movement and turned around. When she turned back around, there was a black-robed figure standing in front of her holding a grim reaper scythe. "Hey, it's a bit early, ya know. Hallowe'en's only a week away," she chuckled. "But it's a great costume."

The figure only stared at Rose. She thought she saw two glowing dots where its eyes should be. Finally it replied. "This is no costume, Rose Tyler, companion of the Doctor," it said in a deep, Darth Vader sort of voice.

"H-how do you know my name?" Rose gasped, now officially freaked out.

"That is not important now." _Why does that voice sound familiar? Certainly I've never heard that voice before. _Rose thought. A second later: _Or maybe I have? Why is the word Bad Wolf popping into my mind right now?_

Rose suddenly had an idea. She let out a ferocious "Hi-yah!" and kicked the Grim Reaper thing right between its legs. It let out a shriek and, dropping the scythe, dropped to its knees.

Rose lunged at it with a yell. She landed on top of it, forcing it to fall over with her on top of it. Its hood slid off its head and Rose saw his face for the first time and screamed. The man let out a little girl shriek.

* * *

Who is it? I'll give you a hint: black hair.


	7. Chapter 7

I don't remember if Jackie and Jack were introduced to each other. Somebody will make a jibe about Jack and Jackie dating, don't worry. There will also be a jibe about Jack screaming like a little girl. But those will both be in a later chapter. Oh, and good job, guys. All of you guessed correctly. 

* * *

In which Jackie flirts with Jack

"Get off of me! This is assault and battery, you know!" the man called.

"Hardly! You're the one who assaulted me, Captain Jack Harkness, self-acknowledged conman," Rose retorted with a chuckle.

Jack looked up at Rose's face. "It really is you! When Smart told me a girl named Rose Tyler was on her way to pay a visit, I didn't realize he was talking about _the _Rose Tyler, companion of _the_ Doctor. Speaking of which, how is the old rogue?"

"Smart? Geoffrey Smart?" Rose asked. Jack nodded. Rose got off of him, and her old friend got to his feet. She gave him a playful shove. "Well, what other Rose Tyler and Doctor do you know, eh, Jack?"

Jack shrugged. "Yeah, I know. Stupid of me. Anyhows, how's the Doctor doing these days? Still getting into trouble?"

Rose glanced at her feet. What happened to those tennis shoes? Oh, yes, that's right. She had gotten stuck in some bog on some planet. She glanced back at Jack before she could remember any other stories about her poor old shoes. "Uh, he's, um, well, sleeping right now." Jack raised his eyebrows at her. "No, really! He's sleeping and shouldn't be—"

"You know, I'd like to see the TARDIS again. You don't know how much I miss you guys." Jack grabbed her by the elbow and began pulling her away.

"But, Geoffrey—"

"Is very busy at the moment. C'mon! I can't wait to see the Doctor's face when he sees me again!"

* * *

"Back so soon, Rose dear? And who's this?" Jackie greeted Rose and Jack when she opened the door.

"This is Captain Jack Harkness. He's a friend of ours," Rose replied. "Jack, this is my mum, Jackie Tyler."

Jack smiled and held out his hand. "A pleasure, Mrs. Tyler."

Jackie shook his hand and smiled broadly. "Oh, no, the pleasure is all mine, Mr. Harkness."

"Enough of the Mr. Harkness. It's Jack."

"Well, then, enough of the Mrs. Tyler. It's Jackie."

Rose smiled to herself. Imagine that, her mother was flirting with a man at least twenty years her junior. Reminded her of someone else, but she couldn't quite remember who. She brushed past her mother and Jack, and hurried to her old bedroom.

Something was wrong. Rose felt it the instant she stepped into the room.

There was a large stone on the bedside table. A man was standing over the Doctor. Rose threw herself at the man with a yell.

* * *

Who is it? I'll give you a hint: large stone.


	8. Chapter 8

Honestly, have none of you seen _Love and Monsters_? Or am I the only one? Anyways, as always, Read and Review!

* * *

In which the Doctor finds an apple

Rose's foot collided with the man's groin. He let out a shriek and doubled over.

"Holy--" He turned, slowly, painfully.

And even though his face was twisted with pain, even though it had been months since she had last seen him, Rose recognized him. And from the wan grin on his face, Rose saw that he recognized her, as well.

"Elton!" she cried and flung her arms around him. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you! Are you okay?"

Elton sank onto the bed after Rose released him. "Oh, I'll be fine in a few minutes." He shot Rose a broad grin. "Could you hand me Brigit?"

Rose obliged, grabbing the stone from the table and handing it--or rather, her--to him. A woman's face protruded from one side of the stone.

"Hello, Brigit. How are you?" Rose said cheerfully.

Brigit smiled. "I'm fine, and you?" she inquired politely.

"I'm fine, but the Doctor..."Rose sighed and shook her head.

Brigit frowned. "We were hoping to talk to him, but I guess we aren't."

Rose glanced at the Doctor. It gave her a rather uncomfortable feeling to see the Doctor lying so still and quiet. Rose would never have imagined that she would be missing his incessent chatter, but here she was, wishing he would open his eyes and start yakking about the Shadow Proclamation or how the Sonic Screwdriver worked. Rose realised she couldn't stand being in the room anymore. She walked quickly to the door.

Both Elton and Brigit glanced at her. "Where you going?" Elton asked.

"Er...I'm going to see what's taking my mum so long," Rose replied quickly and dashed out the door before either Elton or Brigit could ask her anything else.

* * *

"Well, hello again, Rose! Where's the Doctor? I want to torture him," Jack called airily as soon as he saw Rose. He ran to her and embraced her. Rose grinned. Who could remain morose around Captain Jack Harkness? Not her.

When Jack finally released her, Rose gave him a playful shove. "You rogue!" she laughed. "The Doctor's in the bedroom, by the way."

Jackie stood up from the dining room table. "I made some more tea."

Rose glanced at her mum. "What kind?"

"The same kind I made on Christmas." Jackie handed Rose a cup of tea. "Careful; it's a little hot."

Rose took the cup and started to walk slowly back to the bedroom. She had barely taken two steps when there was a yell and a thump that sounded like a body hitting the floor.

The cup fell to the floor with a smash. Rose broke into a run, flanked by Jack, who was armed with a gun, and Jackie, who was armed with a rolling pin and her hand.

* * *

A strange sight met their eyes when they opened the bedroom door. Elton was sitting on the floor, holding Brigit in one hand, and rubbing his head with the other. The Doctor was perched precariously on the edge of the bed, his eyes wide with curiousity as he peered down at Elton, blood dripping from his nose. As the three watched, the Doctor slid off the bed and landed on his stomach with a loud thud.

Jack walked up to the Doctor and pointed his gun at him. "I don't know what you think you were doing, but the way I see it, you and your boss kidnapped the Doctor, but your boss teleported himself and the Doctor, leaving you two buffoons here to make us think that your boss doesn't exist and that you accidentally teleported the Doctor away, but we're not stupid, so confess to it and don't try denying it." Jack took a breath. "Wow. That was long."

The Doctor nodded. "It was." He paused, then grinned happily. "Hey, I can speak again!"

Jack raised his eyebrows at him. "And you are a criminal. Now tell me, where is the Doctor?"

The Doctor glanced at Elton, Elton glanced at Jackie, Jackie glanced at Rose, Rose glanced at the Doctor. They all began to struggle to keep their faces straight, so they stopped glancing at each other.

"He's in this room," the Doctor said evasively, rubbing his bloody nose with the back of his hand.

"Looks like he put up quite a fight," Jack muttered. Louder, he said, "Where in the room?"

"Oh, he's very near where you're standing, Captain Jack Harkness," the Doctor said lazily with what he thought was an enigmatic smile.

"Why are you smirking at me?" Jack growled. "And how do you know my name? And if the Doctor is as close to me as you say he is, why can't I see him?"

"I know your name because you told it to me when we met. Or was it Rose who told me when she introduced us?" He paused thoughtfully. Jack glared at him. "And you can see him, because his face is right in front of yours."

Jack laughed. "Oh, you can't be serious! The Doctor looks nothing like you! You're too..." Jack hesitated. He had been about to say 'sexy,' but he had stopped himself because he didn't want to offend Rose. "Young."

The Doctor started digging in his pockets. He pulled out an apple, and looked at it in surprise. "What's this doing in here? Did Harold borrow my coat to take a nap in?" He tossed the apple to Elton before continuing his search. "Ah-ha! There you are!" he cried unexpectedly, causing everyone to jump, as he pulled out his sonic screwdriver.


	9. Chapter 9

Yay! I finally finished Chapter Nine! Heterohydrocarbonatedchlorophyll is my own invention. I just took three words and put them together to make a big, scientific sounding word. Oh, and in the previous chapter, whenever I said Brigit, I meant Ursula. I got the two women confused with each other. My mistake. At least someone corrected me. Thank you. And, no, before anybody asks, I do NOT know "My Cat Jeoffry" by heart. I had to look it up. I do not know when the next chapter will come, but rest assured, it will not be the last chapter, and it will come soon, and we may meet two old friends.

* * *

In which the Doctor and Company Meet Jeoffry Smart

"Why, you little son of a bitch bastard! You stole the Doctor's sonic screwdriver!" And Jack pulled the trigger of his gun.

The Doctor tried to leap out of the way of the small, fast-moving golden bullet, but it hit him, just below his left shoulder.

A viscous green liquid blossomed across his chest. "Oh, Rassilion," the Doctor swore.

Jack's hands caressed the trigger. "I'll shoot you again if you don't tell me your name. And let me tell you, if you aren't a Time Lord or a Time Manipulator or me, the second shot will most definitely be fatal."

The Doctor put a hand to the blood and then licked it. "Ah. Heterohydrocarbonatedchlorophyll. Very deadly." He glanced up at Jack with a smug grin on his face. "My name is Dr. Spock."

Jack dropped his gun and embraced the Doctor. "Doctor! Is it really you?" he cried.

Something in Jack's voice made the Doctor glance up. One would expect a greeting from a long lost friend to be joyful, triumphant, surprised even, not remorseful or guilty. Yet, Jack's tone was full of remorse and guilt. The Doctor felt dread creep into the pit of his stomach.

Elton stood up. "All right, now that we've all been reunited, let's go find whoever poisoned the Doctor!"

Rose glanced at him in surprise. "How'd you know about--?"

"Your mum told us," Ursula replied.

Jack stared at her. "Did that paving stone just talk?" he gasped.

Elton glared at him and gave an indignant sniff. "Her name's Ursula, and she's not just a paving stone; she's my girlfriend."

Jack raised his eyebrows at the other man. "O.K. I've heard everything now."

"It's not his or her fault. An alien did it to her," the Doctor replied tersely.

Rose noticed the sharpness in the Doctor's voice and decided to break it up. "Okay, we need to find Thomas Short and Thomas MacDuncan's nephew Geoffrey Smart. We'll form two teams. I'll head one and my mum'll lead the other one. Jackie, Elton, and Ursula, you'll look for Tom Short. Doctor and Jack, you're with me. We're gonna find Mr. Geoffrey Smart." She paused for dramatic effect. "DISPERSE!"

Everyone scattered.

* * *

"So this is where Mr. Smart lives?" the Doctor asked, his voice sounding muffled behind a large gaudy green, yellow, and red polka-dotted handkerchief held to his nose.

Jack nodded. "Yep. He's not too fond of fancification."

Before them stood a small, ugly, grey flat that looked like it needed an extreme makeover.

"Looks like he's not too fond of housework, either," Rose observed.

The Doctor started to shift his weight nervously. "Well, what are waiting for? Stop making comments on his house's fashion statement and let's go inside!"

Rose laughed at him and skipped up to the peeling, grey door and knocked. The door opened and a young woman's face peered out.

"Hullo! What do you want?" she asked in a thick Welsh accent.

"Where's Smart?" Jack chirped up from behind Rose.

Rose saw the young woman's eyes widen with surprise. Then she smiled broadly and cried happily, "Jack!" A second later, she slapped herself on the forehead. "Oh, damn, I gave you away! Sorry!"

Jack groaned. "Never mind. Where is he, Gwen?"

"He left for Stuart Manor," Gwen replied. Jack groaned again. "I'm sorry, I really am. I tried to stop but he can be very forceful, you know."

The Doctor popped up next to Rose. He was in the process of tucking his handkerchief into his trench coat pocket. "Well, hello!" he beamed.

Gwen gave him a disgusted look. "Master Smart won't be pleased to find blood on his doorstep."

The Doctor seemed cheerfully unaware of her disdain. "Oh, really?"

Gwen glared at him. The Doctor smiled back at her. Gwen couldn't stay mad at him. She giggled. "Yes, really. If you're looking for him, I'll take you to him."

Rose nodded her thanks. "That would be great."

"Here's his office, and where I leave you." Gwen bowed and dashed off with a wink at Jack.

Rose looked up at the pale brown door in front of her. She read the words engraved on the golden plaque on the door.

_For I will consider my cat Jeoffry_

_For he is the servant of the Living God, duly and daily serving him._

_For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in his way._

_For is this done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant quickness._

_For then he leaps up to catch the musk, which is the blessing of God upon his prayer._

_For he rolls upon prank to work it in._

_For having done duty and received blessing he begins to consider himself._

_For this is done in ten degrees._

_For first he looks upon his forepaws to see if they are clean._

_For secondly he kicks up behind to clear away there._

_For thirdly he works upon stretch with the forepaws extended._

_For fourthly he sharpens his paws by wood._

_For fifthly he washes himself._

_For sixthly he rolls upon wash._

_For seventhly he fleas himself, that he may not be interrupted upon the beat._

_For eighthly he rubs himself against a post._

_For ninthly he looks up for his instructions._

_For tenthly he goes in quest of food._

_For having consider'd God and himself he will consider his neighbour._

_For if he meets another cat he will kiss her in kindness._

_For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it a chance._

_For one mouse in seven escapes by his dallying._

_For when his day's work is done his business more properly begins._

_For he keeps the Lord's watch in the night against the adversary._

_For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring eyes._

_For he counteracts the Devil, who is death, by brisking about the life._

_For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and sun loves him._

_For he is of the tribe of Tiger._

_For the Cherub Cat us a term of the Angel Tiger._

_For he has the subtlety and hissing of a serpent, which in goodness he suppresses._

_For he will not do destruction, if he is well-fed, neither will he spit without provocation._

_For he purrs in thankfulness, when God tells him he's a good Cat._

_For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon._

_For every house is incomplete without him and a blessing is lacking in the spirit._

_For the Lord commanded Moses concerning the cats at the departure of the Children of Israel from Egypt._

_For every family had one cat at least in the bag._

_For the English Cats are the best in Europe._

_For he is the cleanest in the use of his forepaws of any quadruped._

_For the dexterity of his defence is an instance of the love of God to him exceedingly._

_For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature._

_For he is tenacious of his point._

_For he is a mixture of gravity and waggery._

_For he knows that God is his Saviour._

_For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest._

_For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion._

_For he is of the Lord's poor and so indeed is he called by benevolence perpetually—Poor Jeoffry! poor Jeoffry! the rat has bit thy throat._

_For I bless the name of the Lord Jesus that Jeoffry is better._

_For the divine spirit comes about his body to sustain it in complete cat._

_For his tongue is exceeding pure so that it has in purity what it wants in music._

_For he is docile and can learn certain things._

_For he can set up with gravity which is patience upon approbation._

_For he can fetch and carry, which is patience in employment._

_For he can jump over a stick, which is patience upon proof positive._

_For he can spraggle upon waggle at the word of command._

_For he can jump from an eminence into his master's bosom._

_For he can catch the cork and toss it again._

_For he is hated by the hypocrite and miser._

_For the former is afraid of deception._

_For the latter refuses the charge._

_For he camels his back to bear the first notion of business._

_For he is good to think on, if a man would express himself neatly._

_For he made a great figure in Egypt for his signal services._

_For he killed the Ichneumon-rat very pernicious by land._

_For his ears are so acute that they sting again._

_For from this proceeds the passing quickness of his attention._

_For by stroking of him I have found out electricity._

_For I perceived God's light about him both wax and fire._

_For the Electrical fire is the spiritual substance, which God sends from_

_heaven to sustain the bodies both of man and beast._

_For God has blessed him in the variety of his movements._

_For, tho' he cannot fly, he is an excellent clamberer._

For _For his motions upon the face of the earth are more than any other_

_quadruped_

_For he can tread to all the measures upon the music._

_For he can swim for life._

_For he can creep._

_-Christopher Smart_

"Well, someone sure likes Christopher Smart," Jack remarked.

The door opened. A man poked his head around the door. He smiled when he saw them, revealing a full mouth of teeth as white as milk. "Ah, I thought I heard voices out here," he said. "Come in, come in. I just put the kettle on the fire."

They stepped into a large room that was one half study, one half office. A bookshelf stood against one wall, its shelves full with books of all shapes and colours. On the wall opposite the bookshelf, there was an immense fireplace in which a whistling tea kettle hung over a blazing fire. A large desk stood in the middle of the room under heaps of papers, untidy stacks of books, newspaper clippings, and other various unidentifiable things. A door stood at the far end of the room. It, too, had a gold plaque on it except that this one didn't have a poem on it. All it said was, "What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" No names, no explanations, just that one sentence. Rose wondered where Geoffrey Smart got it from.

While Rose was looking around the room, the Doctor was looking at their "host." Geoffrey Smart was a tall, young man with unruly ginger hair and unusually bright, intellectual green eyes. He was wearing a dark blue tunic, a sky blue scarf, a pair of emerald green knickerbockers, scarlet stockings, tan leather boots, and a red beanie that accentuated his intriguing eyes. The Doctor had to admit he was a tad bit jealous of the man, and not just because he was a ginger. Geoffrey strode with casual ease to the fireplace, each step taken deliberately and lightly, like that of a cat.

"Any of you want tea?" Geoffrey asked in his enchanting lilting voice.

All three of them said yes and soon they were delicately sipping piping hot tea out of chipped, blue china teacups.

"You're Geoffrey Smart, right?" Rose asked.

"No." They all stared at him incredulously. "It's not Geoffrey. It's _Jeoffry_, with a j and no e after the r. And you are—?"

"I am Dame Rose of the Powell Estate. This is Captain Jack Harkness, and this is Sir Doctor of the TARDIS," Rose replied.

Jeoffry raised his eyebrows at them. "Oh, really?" he said. He set down his teacup with an ominous clang. The Doctor winced, to Jeoffry's obvious amusement. "You came here to talk to me about poisoned wine, no?"

The way he said it, so calm and icily, made the hair on the back of Rose's neck stand on end. "Yes," Rose replied cautiously.

"You think I did it." Again, his tone was icily calm.

Rose shuffled her feet nervously. "N-not really."

"It wasn't me. I have no expertise in that area. Milord Stuart has a great knowledge of plants and their properties, especially exotic plants."

Jack let out an audible sigh of relief. "Well, then, could we have an appointment with Lord Stuart?" he inquired.

Jeoffry nodded brusquely. "Of course. I could arrange that." The icy calmness had left his voice.


	10. Chapter 10

The Doctor is so awesome, so...FANTASTIC!

* * *

In which Jeoffry learns that a battery can't go into a flashlight horizontally

Jeoffry stalked over to the door on the far side of the room, and pressed a small button next to the door and murmured something to it. He turned back to Rose and her friends. "He'll be with you in a moment. He's a little...busy at that moment."

The Doctor peered at the door, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Where'd you get that quote on your door?"

Jeoffry glanced at the quote in question lazily. "I heard it. You like it?"

"I...have heard it before," the Doctor said slowly.

Jeoffry only gave him a lazy grin. "Are your names really what that girl said they were?" he asked.

The Doctor shook his head, a fake smile on his lips. "Oh, no. My name is simply John Smith. Milady Rose likes to think I am a doctor."

Jeoffry narrowed his eyes cynically. "Right. And she made up the word TARDIS?"

The Doctor shot him a curious look, but didn't reply. There was something about the way Jeoffry said it that made the Doctor suspect he knew the Doctor was lying and that he knew what a TARDIS was. In fact, the Doctor was beginning to suspect Jeoffry Smart knew everything about him.

Rose peered intently at Jeoffry. There was something about his slightly tanned face and strange pale eyes that reminded Rose of someone, but she couldn't quite place who he reminded her of. Before she could think more deeply about it, the door behind Jeoffry opened and a small pageboy stood in the doorway.

He bowed so deeply that his mop of sandy hair nearly touched the floor. "Lord Stuart'll see ya, now, melady," he announced.

"Thank you. Good day, Mr. Smart." Rose nodded to Jeoffry as she and Jack walked out of the room. Jeoffry stalked over to the Doctor and shoved the Time Lord out of his office, slowly closing the door behind him.

But before the door closed, Jeoffry said something very strange that Rose did not understand. "Doctor-in-Training Thorix Rasputiniux, University of Pallas."

Rose glanced at the Doctor to see if he understood the secretary's cryptic statement. From his white face, she supposed he had.

"Rose!" It was Jack. Rose turned and saw a short plump woman barring the page's and Jack's way.

Jeoffry's door reopened with a bang and Jeoffry stepped out. He looked around curiously until he saw the woman. "Oh, shit."

"I knew it was you, Jeoffry Smart! I knew you was the one who tried to stop us!" the woman shrieked.

And she advanced toward them, long fingernails as sharp and curved as talons outstretched.

"Oh, shit" just about summed up their dilemma.

* * *

"Ew! Something cold just touched my hand!" Rose squeaked.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that was my torch battery. Now hand it over." The grouchy voice sounded like Jeoffry's, well, at least it had that strange lilt of his. Rose handed it to him. The sound of fervent swearing in Gallifreyan erupted out of the darkness, and Rose wondered if it had been the Doctor who had snapped at her after all.

"Er, what's wrong?" Rose asked hesitantly.

"The damn battery doesn't work!" Definately Jeoffry.

"Maybe you put it in wrong," Rose offered.

"Ooh, that's a thought." There was a second's hesitation, and then: "Er, how do I put it in right? It won't go in horizontally."

Rose sighed in frustration. "Hand it over."

He didn't. "Ah-ha! I've got it!"

"AIEE!" Rose shrieked.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry it took me so long. I'll try not to delay the next chapter for so long. Poor Jeoffry; he's so clueless! Anyways, tell me what you think!

* * *

In which Jeoffry finds a lightswitch

"Watch where you're pointing that damn thing, you idiot!" Rose yelped.

Jeoffry hastily turned off the torch.  
"Turn it back on!" four voices yelled at him.

Jeoffry flicked it back on. This time, no one was blinded.

"Everybody all right?" The Doctor's voice sounded muffled. Jeoffry shined the torch at him. The Doctor's face was obscured by his handkerchief. "Oi! Watch it!" he squeaked hoarsely, shakily raising his arm to shield his eyes.

In that moment, the handkerchief slipped. The Doctor adjusted it, but it was too late. Rose had seen what the Doctor had been trying to hide. She rushed to his side and grabbed his arm. "Oh my—Doctor, are you all right?" she gasped, tugging the handkerchief away from the Time Lord's hand.

The Doctor's cheeks were ashen grey. Droplets of sweat flecked his forehead. He swayed on his feet, and Jack was certain the Doctor would have collapsed to the floor if not for Rose's supporting presence.

"Are we going to die?"

Jeoffry shined the torch at the page boy. "I don't think so, Joey. We've got plenty of food and water in here to keep us going for years," he replied reassuringly, draping his arm over the small boy's shoulders in a comforting manner, and maneuvered him over to a crate.

Meanwhile, Rose and Jack were gently lowering the Doctor to the floor, where he slumped against a crate, his eyes staring unseeingly straight ahead.

Rose stroked his hand, murmuring soothing sounds. The Doctor rested his head on her shoulder with a soft sigh. Rose wrapped her arms around him and pulled him closer to her.

Jeoffry began to pace, shining the torch on the walls. "Eureka!" he shouted, causing everyone to jump.

"What?" Jack yelled at him.

"I found a lightswitch!" And he flicked it on.

Everyone covered their eyes to block the resulting flash of blinding bright light. The page boy, Joey, squeezed his eyes shut. Jack clapped his hands over his eyes. The Doctor closed his eyes and hid his face in the crook of Rose's neck. Jeoffry tried to block out the blinding light with the wall, and ended up bumping his head on the wall. Rose ducked her head under the Doctor's arm.

"Couldn't you give us a warning, Smart?" Jack snarled at Jeoffry.

The other man blinked confusedly at Jack. "What? I found the lightswitch and I don't get even one 'thank you'? How was I supposed to know you wanted a flippin' warning? Wasn't 'I found a lightswitch' enough?"


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry about the long delay. The stupid website wouldn't let me upload it. But anyways...Such suspense! Who is Jeoffry Smart? Is he who he says he is? We'll find out in the next chapter!

* * *

In which Jackie and Lady Stuart have a shouting match 

The door opened. Jeoffry, who was leaning against the door at the time, fell over sideways with a startled yelp.

"Having fun yet?" a woman's cold voice drawled. The most malicious-looking human being Rose and Jack had ever seen stood in the doorway.

Her skin was ivory white, smooth and flawless. Two cold grey eyes glared out at them from above a thin beaklike nose. Her bright red lips were drawn in a tight scowl, and her steel grey hair was tied up into a crisp bun.

Jeoffry gazed fearfully up at her from the floor. "L-l-lady Stuart?" he squeaked. For a second, it was as if a mask had slipped from his face. No longer were his cheeks full and youthful, but haggard and weary of life.

But it was only for a second. Jeoffry composed himself quickly. But Lady Stuart saw it. And so did the Doctor.

* * *

"Well, that was a wonderful use of a Sunday afternoon!" Jackie complained. 

Elton nodded. "Honestly, that man needs to get a life."

"And a new broom," Ursula added.

The three of them laughed.

"Oh, yeah. If he didn't break that broom when he threw it at us, I would be very, very surprised," Elton chuckled.

They had just returned from their "visit" to Mr. Tom Short. Apparently, Mr. Short hadn't been home, but his crotchety old father had been.

Jackie glanced at her watch. "What's taking Rose so long?" she murmured anxiously.

Elton and Ursula glanced at each other, suddenly serious. "Why don't you call her?" Ursula suggested.

Jackie nodded and took out her phone and dialed Rose's number.

* * *

"What's that sound?" Lady Stuart glanced up, startled. 

"Sorry, that's my cell phone. I'll just—" Before she even finished her sentence, the cell phone disappeared from her hand and reappeared in Lady Stuart's hand.

The tall woman held the phone to her ear. "Hello? Who is this?"

"WHO THE !expletive! ARE YOU AND WHAT THE !expletive! HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY DAUGHTER?!"

Lady Stuart held the cell phone several inches from her ear and shrieked back, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT, YOU INSOLENT !expletive!!"

"I'LL TALK TO YOU HOWEVER THE !expletive! I LIKE! I DEMAND TO TALK TO MY DAUGHTER, IF YOU HAVEN'T KILLED HER YET!" Jackie howled back.

"SHE'S STILL ALIVE, BUT SHE WON'T BE FOR MUCH LONGER IF YOU KEEP ON SCREAMING AT ME!" Lady Stuart screamed.

Jeoffry snatched the phone from Lady Stuart. He didn't like it when people yelled that loud (it hurt his ears; his ears were as sensitive as a dog's) and he most certainly didn't like when people used such terrible language, especially when it was the Mistress doing the yelling and swearing. So he decided to stop it.

"Do pardon milady, madame. She does have a veritable temper, and she does tend to go too far. Is your daughter, by any chance, Miss Dame Rose Tyler of the Powell Estate?"

He heard the woman on the other end of the line shout something to somebodies named Ursula and Elton. Then she said to him, "Yes, her name is Rose. How is she? Is she all right? Can I talk to her? Who are you? What have you done to her?"

Jeoffry cleared his throat. He had never spoken to somebody's mother, well, apart from the Mistress, but she didn't really count since she was his Mistress, and his own mother, but she didn't count either because she was his mother after all. "Um, well, she's fine. Yes, she is all right. Yes, you can talk to her. I'm Th--Jeoffry Smart. I've done nothing to her."

"Good. Now give the phone to her so I can talk to her."

Jeoffry gave the phone to Rose. "It's your mother," he told her unnecessarily.

Rose snatched her phone from his hand. "Mum? It's me, Rose!"

"Oh, Rose! Where are you?"

"Locked in some sort of storage cabinet at the Stuart Estate with Jack, the Doctor, Mr. Smart, and a pageboy."

"Who was that lady?"

"Lady Stuart."

"Come home soon, will you?"

"I'll try."


	13. Chapter 13

Yay! Doctor Who is back on Sci-Fi Channel! Can't wait till tomorrow (or maybe Saturday) to watch the Shakespeare Code on the TV! And on the 20th, we might stay up late and watch Doctor Who while we wait for midnight. And my mom's making me a Gryffindor scarf! So I'm happy!

In which Jack discovers the Yellow Brick Road

_I watched the human girl shut the communications device with a _snap_. Mistress Anil _hmph_ed as she turned to leave, but before she left, she shorted out the light bulb. The door slammed shut with a _bang_, leaving Tomin, Jack Harkness, Rose Tyler, the Doctor, and me (thinking how those stupid humans had made it too easy to short out light bulbs with their stupid little light switches) in darkness._

_I grabbed the thing Miss Tyler had called a torch and flicked the switch, making sure not to point it in anyone's face this time. It still worked. "_Well, at least, the torch works!_" I called out, trying to keep everyone's spirits up. _

"Mr Smart, are we going to die?_" _

_I aimed the beam of light at Rose. "_Of course not, love._" I shone the light on the walls, revealing shelves stock full of canned food. "_We've got plenty of food!_"_

"It's not food I'm worried about,_" Rose replied glumly. _

_I aimed the light on her face again. "_Then, what are you worried about?_" I asked her, although I suspected. _

"The Doctor. He's passed out again.

* * *

_I let the Doctor's head fall into my lap. He was shivering again. I rested my palm against his clammy forehead. It was burning up. _

_Jeoffry dashed to my side and extricted a tricorder-looking device from his pocket. He ran it over the length of the Doctor's shivering body. He glanced down at it and frowned. _

"Stop it! It's not funny! Stop making fun of me!_" I screamed at him._

_He glanced up at me questioningly. "_But I'm not making fun of you,_" he said slowly. He sighed, and ran a hand through his ginger hair wearily, and I noticed how _old_ he looked. "_The Doctor has high amounts of hymancine and grute powder in his system. Alone, hymancine and grute powder are quite harmless. But put them together and you've got yourself one heck of a Dwerban Cocktail."

_I gaped at him. "_What?_"_

_To my surprise, the little page boy (Joey?) answered. "_Hymancine is a lapis-lazuli blue flower that grows in bunches by the Mailar Mines. It is used to ease coughs and headaches. Grute powder is made from the urine of grute yans. It is often used in alcoholic beverages to spice up the taste. Alone, quite harmless. But if you mix them together, you can make a Dwerban Cocktail. A Dwerban Cocktail is an alcoholic drink believed to have originated from the Dwerba Province of Pallas. If drunken in small quantities, one will experience slight dizziness and a splitting headache. However, if it is drunken in large quantities, it can prove fatal._" He paused for breath, and continued. "_But before death, one will experience dizziness, fever, unconsciousness, and bleeding from the mouth, ears, eyes, and nose. The really bad signs are severe headache, an irresistible urge to vomit, and asphyxia._"_

_Jeoffry nodded at the boy. "_Good job, Joey!_"_

_Joey shot him a slight glare. "_Why must we use those stupid human names instead of our Pallan names? Why can't I just be Tomi and you Thor? Why must I be Joey and you Jeoffry?_"_

_Jeoffry made a hissing sound between his teeth. "_Great going, Tomin Anilsson. You just wrecked our cover._" He turned around to face the Doctor, Jack, and I. "_There's another way out. I just remembered. Behind the food. One of the cans of—_"He shot a silent question at the page boy, who mouthed something. Jeoffry turned back to us. "_One of the cans of _rice_ is actually a lever.

* * *

_I raised my eyebrows at Thor. Was he serious? A secret door behind a shelf of canned food? A can of rice opened it? _

_So cliché._

_I snatched the flashlight from him and brushed him aside in my way to the shelf. "_All right, which one?_" I asked Thor, shining the flashlight on the row after row of canned rice._

_Thor glared at me. _"Hold your asses, Cap'n." _There was a brief silence. _"That one."

"Which one?"_ I growled. _

"The one right in front of you," _he replied matter-of-factly._

_I sighed and pulled it. The shelf swung inwards, revealing a passageway, floored in ancient, yellow stone. _"All righty. Let's follow the yellow brick road."

"What?"_ Rose's voice inquired._

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" _Thor sang in a sing-songy voice, linking arms with me and the kid, Tommy or whatever. _

_I stared at him. _"You don't know common Earth phrases, yet you know about _that_?"

_Thor cocked his head at me. _"I read that book." _He skipped a step forward, dragging the kid and me with me. Then, unexpectedly he paused, twisting his head to peer curiously at me. _"Eh, Cap'n? Whazzat 'bout common Earth phrases?"

"It's 'hold your horses,' not hold your asses,'"


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry about the long delay, but here's the next chapter! Go on, read it, don't be shy. Allons-y, Alonso!

* * *

In which Jack is nearly left behind

"Can we take a break?" Rose complained several minutes later.

Geoffry (or Thor, as he shall be referred to from now on) glanced back at her. "We're almost at the end. Can't you wait?"

Rose didn't even hesitate. "No, unless _you _want to carry him," she spat back, nodding her head at the deadweight pressing down on her shoulder.

Thor exhaled an indignant "Enh!", raised his arms in defeat, and snatched the Doctor from Rose. Jack shone the torch on Thor. "Watch this, Rose," he said.

Rose fixed her confused gaze on Thor. The boy, Tomi, was also watching the tall ginger man, except that his eyes were filled with eager expectation. Thor was peering intently at the Doctor through slitted eyes.

And, then, slowly, gracefully, the Doctor's limp form floated out of Thor's grasp, and drifted slightly in front of Thor. The tall man took a step forward and the Doctor moved with him.

Rose gaped at him. "How—What? "she spluttered.

Thor laughed, but didn't reply.

"Hey, can't you just revive him? Wouldn't that be easier?" It was Jack.

Thor glanced at him. "Oh, yeah, right." And he extricted a small vial full of a clear liquid from his knickerbockers pocket and tossed it to Tomi. The small boy unstoppered the vial and poured it into the Doctor's mouth.

The Doctor toppled to the ground and lay still. Nothing else happened. Rose even walked up to him and slapped him with all her might, but still nothing happened. "Well, this feels very anti-climat—AAHHH!"

The Doctor had awoken with a gasp and grabbed hold of Rose's neck, pulling her down towards him and embracing her tightly, laughing. He kissed her on the forehead and stood up, pulling her to her feet, still laughing. "Nice of you to drop in, Rosie!" he giggled.

Rose rolled her eyes. "If you call me 'Rosie' one more time, I swear I'm gonna punch you so hard not even that reviving stuff can revive you."

He grinned cheekily at her. "Only if you can catch me…Rosie."

"Oi! That's it, mister! I'm gonna get you!"

The Doctor dashed off down the tunnel, giggling, Rose pursuing him, laughing also.

"Look at those two. Isn't that so sweet?" Jack said to Thor.

"It is dark down there. They might get injured," Thor muttered pessimistically.

"Hey, lighten up, big fella. Why don't we join them, eh?" Jack said, waving the flashlight as if to make a point.

"Eh, all right." And without further ado, Thor dashed off after Rose and the Doctor. Tomi followed him.

"Oi, wait up!" Jack called and ran after them.


	15. Chapter 15

I can't wait 'till the 18th! Know why? That's when Series Four airs on the SciFi channel! Yay! Only a few weeks to go!

* * *

In Which Jack Expresses His Desire to be a Sexual Education Instructor

"Damn, it's bright out here." Jack was the first to speak after they'd stepped out of the tunnel into the excruciating brightness of the outdoors. "Where the hell are we? Definitely doesn't look like Kansas."

Thor glared at him, then muttered something under his breath that sounded like, "Why Kansas, eh? Why would it be Kansas?"

"Didn't you say you read that book?" Jack asked.

"Yes, I did, but that does not mean you have to drop references to it every (untranslatable) five minutes!" the Time Manipulator shouted.

The Doctor winced. "Ooh, there's an impressionable young lad here." He inclined his head towards Tomi. In doing so, he saw the golden stain on his chest. "Here now, what's this?"

"It's chlorofluorocarbon, or something like that," Rose replied. The Doctor frowned.

"Heterohydrocarbonatedchlorophyll," Jack corrected.

The Doctor dipped a finger in the gold goo and licked it. He made a face. "Lier, this is paint!"

Jack pulled out the gun. "Yes, it is. And this is a paintball gun."

"Are you serious? I have always wanted to use a paintball gun!" Thor exclaimed, excited, his crossness with Jack forgotten. "Can I see it?" Jack handed it to him. The Time Manipulator ran his fingers over it, almost stroking it. They paused over the handle, and he held it up to his eyes for closer inspection. "Hey, there is something engraved on the handle!"

"What is it?" Rose and Tomi asked in unison. He showed it to them.

Two Greek-looking symbols were scratched into the handle.

ΘΣ

"What does that mean?" Rose asked.

The Doctor took it from her and inspected it himself. He frowned. "Greek letters." He handed it back to Thor.

"Initials, I should think," Thor added. "You know, I do believe those are my uncle's initials."

"I thought his initials were T.M.," Rose said, her brows furrowed in confusion.

"Eh? Where did you get that from?" Thor retorted.

"Isn't your uncle's name Thomas MacDuncan? Big Scottish chap with a big sword. Ring a bell?"

"Sounds like my father, but why would he ring a bell? I did not realize he lived in a bell tower."

"Oh, never mind. Who's your uncle, then?"

"My mum's brother," Thor replied simply.

"Yeah, I think we knew that," Jack said.

"Well, that is about all I know; I have never met the fellow. I have seen a picture of him, but it was a very old one so if I met him in the street today I would not recognize him," Thor replied.

"Why's that?" Rose inquired.

"I thought you lot didn't regenerate," the Doctor stated.

"We do not. But Gallifreyans do, do they not, Doctor?" Thor returned, handing the paintball gun back to Jack.

"Your uncle was a Gallifreyan?" Tomi gasped.

"My mum was a Gallifreyan, so it lies to reason that my uncle would also be a Gallifreyan," Thor replied. The Doctor grinned.

"Why don't you ask your mum to tell you about him when you get home?" Rose asked.

"She is dead, I think. She was called off to war back when I was still a Novice. Never came back."

"What's a Gallifreyan?" Rose asked.

"Someone from Gallifrey," Jack replied.

The Doctor glared at him. "That's what Time Manipulators call Time Lords. Gallifreyan Time Lords. And they call themselves Pallan Time Lords."

"I thought you said you were the last of the Time Lords," Rose said, almost accusingly, but mostly bemusedly.

"I am. Thor and Tomi's lot are not Time Lords. They call themselves Time Lords, but I reckon they haven't been Time Lords for millennia," the Doctor replied.

"We are similar enough to be compatible, though," Thor retorted.

"What does that mean?" Tomi asked. "Compatible?"

The Doctor and Thor exchanged a glance. Thor shook his head. "I think you're a bit young. We'll tell you in a few years," the Doctor told him.

"Yeah, we'll tell you in a few years. When you're old enough to—"

"Jack, no."

"I could do it. I think I'd make a good sex ed tea—"

"Jack!"

"I could start right now, if you wanted. I bet the Doctor and I could do a live demonstra—"

"JACK! SHUT UP! I WILL DO NO SUCH THING! Not in front of the kid."


	16. Chapter 16

Less than 2 weeks until Season 4 comes to Sci-Fi! Huzzah!

In which the Doctor pulls a Jack

"So, where are we?"

"So, where are we?" Rose asked the Doctor.

"Er, Earth, I think. Definitely Earth. And look over there. I think that's Big Ben. So probably London," the Doctor replied.

"We haven't left the property," Tomi piped up.

"Oh, well, that's good, I guess," Jack shrugged. The Doctor shot a warning glare at him. Jack raised his eyes to the sky, and starting whistling Bolero, tapping out the drum accompaniment on the handle of the paint gun. The Doctor's expression went from reproachful to horrified.

"Something wrong?" Rose asked him.

"Jack…He…I—"

"Shh!" Thor raised a hand, silencing the Doctor. Rose suddenly realised that he hadn't joined in their conversation, but had seemed to be intent on something only he could see or hear.

"What is it?" Rose whispered.

"Shut down!" he hissed sharply. He paused, one finger in the air. "Do you hear that?"

"What?" Rose repeated, but then she heard it. Footsteps. Leaves cracking. Twigs snapping.

"Someone's coming," the Doctor hissed.

"We are not alone," Jack intoned mock-dramatically.

"What is that from? I think I have heard that somewhere before," Thor inquired musingly.

"Rose! Rose, is that you, love?" a familiar voice called before Jack could reply.

"Mum!" Rose cried, relieved. "Mum! Over here! We're over here!"

There were several crashings in the undergrowth and Jackie Tyler and Elton Pope, Ursula clutched under his arm, stumbled out.

Rose ran to her mother and hugged her. "Oh, Mum! I am so glad to see you!"

Jackie hugged her daughter back. "Oh, sweetheart, me too!" At last, they parted. Jackie looked around. "Where's the Doctor?"

Rose turned. "He's just—Oh." The Doctor was gone. "Where'd he go?"

* * *

The Doctor was wondering the same thing. One moment he was standing on a forest path with his friends, the next he was in a luxurious bedchamber.

"Hello, Doctor."

The Time Lord turned and found himself face to face with Mistress Anil LeRoe. "Oh, it's you."

She grinned in a way that reminded the Doctor of a cat playing with a mouse. "Welcome to my humble abode…Gallifreyan."

"I wouldn't call it humble," the Doctor replied simply.

"Ah, but this one's a clever one, is he not?" she purred, still smiling that cat-with-a-mouse smile. "Almost too clever, I think. I'd take him as my lover, if only he hadn't betrayed me all those years ago."

"What?"

She ignored his question. "And since he betrayed me all those years ago, I'm not giving him a chance to choose his fate."

She took several steps towards the Doctor. He backed away from her. She kept coming. He kept backing away until…

…His back came up against wall. And she kept coming.

The Doctor raised his hand to pull his trusty sonic screwdriver out of his breast pocket, but Anil was faster.

She whipped out a slim, pen-like device and pointed it at the Doctor's hand. He let out a shout of pain and withdrew his hand, letting it hang limply at his side.

She kept on coming, triumph gleaming in her eyes. "Ah, now, I've got you just where I want you."

Now her body was pressed against his. She raised her hand…and pressed the small red intercom button next to the Doctor's head.

"Mr Short, I require your assistance," Anil said crisply.

The bedroom door opened and Jackie Tyler's friend Tom Short stepped in.

"Tom! Wasn't expecting to see you here!" the Doctor gasped, trying to retain his cheerfulness, despite the throbbing agony that was spreading up his arm.

Tom didn't reply. He removed a gun from the holster hanging from his belt and pointed it at the Doctor. Anil stepped aside.

The Doctor stared into Tom's dead black eyes, and realised with a feeling of dread, that there was no spark of life in those unblinking depths. No spark of mercy, either.

Tom pulled the trigger.


	17. Chapter 17

Sorry about the long delay, but without further ado, here is the next chapter!

* * *

In Which Jack Falls and Breaks His Crown

Jackie, Rose, Thor, Tomi, Elton, and Jack reached the wrought-iron gate that marked the entrance to Lord Stewart's gardens.

"We gonna climb over that or what?" Jack inquired, grinning.

"I am the steward, or at least I was. I have the keys to every lock on milord's estate, including this gate," Thor intoned, straight-faced.

"Oh, good, 'cause I was afraid we'd have to listen to Jack scream like a girl when he reaches the top and realizes he's afraid of heights," Rose teased.

"I'm not--" Jack started indignantly, but Tomi shushed him.

"Keep it down! You're going to get us killed!" the boy hissed.

"He is right. As soon as we go through that gate, not one more word, unless if it is an emergency. Understood?" Thor ordered in a whisper, deadly serious.

The others nodded. "Crystal clear," Elton whispered.

Thor frowned at him for a moment, then shook his head and took out a ring of keys from one of his pockets. He thumbed through them, mumbling to himself, until he found the one he wanted, and stuck it in the lock in front of them and turned. The lock clicked open and the gate creaked open when Thor pushed on it. The Time Manipulator tiptoed silently through, followed by Tomi, Jack, Rose, Elton, and Jackie.

"Wow!" Jackie gasped, gazing about the garden in awe. Thor glared at her, but Jackie didn't notice; she was too engrossed by the beauty of Lord Stewart's gardens. Every color in the universe had to be represented there in the petals and leaves and stems of all the plants. There were blood-red roses, canary yellow daffodils, royal purple hydrangeas, snow white Easter lilies, and bright orange orchids among even more colorful plants she didn't know the names of. The others looked around, sharing in Jackie's awe.

Jack recognized some of the plants from his days as a Time Agent. He reached over Tomi's head and tapped Thor on the shoulder. When he'd gotten Thor's attention, he hissed, "Are those Valarian Splintle-bulbs?" Thor glanced at the patch of huge day-glo flowers that Jack was pointing at and nodded. "And is that red grass?"

Again Thor looked at what Jack was pointing, but this time, instead of just nodding, Thor whispered over his shoulder, "Aye. The last of the red grass of Gallifrey."

A wild grin broke over Jack's face and he galloped off towards the patch of Gallifreyan grass. "Jack!" Rose cried without thinking and tried to run after him, but Elton, in response to Thor's shout of "STOP!", held her back. "What are you doing?" she snapped, struggling.

"Leave him to me, Rose Tyler. You need to save the Doctor," Thor barked. "Now, get leaving! The guards should be here any rel!" He started off after Jack. After about 10 paces, he turned and, seeing that the others hadn't moved, barked, "Well, what are you doing? Tomi, you are in charge! Get them out of here! Cut-cut!" With that, he disappeared into the foliage.

"You heard him. Let's go!" Jackie hissed at Tomi. The boy nodded nervously and set off towards the manor house.

They had gone no more than about 2 paces when they heard the unmistakable report of a gun from the top floor of the manor house. It took them a moment to process it and then..."DOCTOR!"

* * *

Jack heard the gunshot, but he did not waver in his quest. He found the patch of Gallifreyan grass and started frantically ripping it up in great clumps. He heard Rose's shout, but he kept ripping up red grass. The one thing that gave him pause came from someone close at hand.

"Clippings from the garden are not permitted."

Jack looked up at the ginger-haired Time Manipulator. "You gonna stop me, Smart?"

Thor's face revealed no emotion. "If I have to. I helped the Doctor because he is a Time Lord, and thus, my kin. But you, you I owe nothing, Time Agent."

"So, you gonna kill me, Smart?" Jack grinned wolfishly.

Thor's eye twitched. "I have my orders. My mistress, she-she told me to kill the Doctor. B-but I did not want to. She sent one of her guards to make sure I put the poison in the wine, but I put in only enough to make him bad. She found out and she got very mad. She told me to lead you to her, so she could kill all of you."

Jack's fingers curled around his gun, his eyes grim. "So, you're a traitor, Smart. I should kill you right now."

Thor's eyes flashed with anger. "I AM NO TRAITOR!" he bellowed, raising his arms. Jack was hurled violently backward. His head cracked against the trunk of a tall, wide-trunked tree with florescent orange leaves, and he slumped lifelessly to the ground. Thor knelt down beside the still form of Captain Jack Harkness and rested his fingers on the former Time Agent's neck. There was no pulse. Captain Jack Harkness was dead.

* * *

Rose was the first to reach the door. She tried the doorknob, and to her surprise, it opened. "

"It's unlocked!" she hissed to Tomi.

The young Time Manipulator frowned. "That's not right. It should be locked."

"So why was i--AAAAHHHH!"

Two guards dressed in red robes and red berets had suddenly appeared in the doorway, wielding crossbows that fired rockets instead of bolts. And both crossbows were aimed at Rose's chest.


	18. Chapter 18

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! God bless us, everyone! The Christmas Special looks exceptionally exciting, _non_?

I have a feeling that this story will be coming to an end soon. Don't know in how many chapters, but it's going to start wrapping up. At the least, there will be 2 more chapters, maybe more.

Well, that's all from me for now. Merry Christmas! Be good and Santa might just give you that TARDIS!

* * *

In Which Jack Spills Some Beans

"Ha! Intruders!" the guard on the left barked, a manic grin spreading across his face. "What shall we do wiz zem?"

"Kill them, of course," the other guard answered tonelessly, tapping her crossbow/rocket launcher.

"Wait for the order!"Mistress Anil's voice ordered and then she herself appeared in the doorway behind the two guards. She sneered at Rose. "Well, well, well. You escaped from the cupboard. Very clever."

"Per'aps we should give zem medals for zer cleverness, _madame_," the guard on the left suggested sarcastically. "Posthumously, _bien sûr_," he added, amused by his own wit.

"Did I ask for your opinion?" Anil snapped. The guard shook his head and started whistling Vivaldi's Four Seasons Spring nonchalantly. "That's what I thought." Turning back to Rose, she said, "The Doctor is dead. Surrender or you--ENOUGH!" The guard had started whistling a funeral march after she'd said the word 'dead'. He lowered his head sheepishly and started whistling Beethoven's Symphony 9. The guard being sufficiently reprimanded in her opinion, Anil turned back to Rose and the others. "As I was saying before this idiot (The said idiot snorted indignantly, but Mistress Anil glared at him and he went back to whistling Ode to Joy) interrupted me, the Doctor is dead. Surrender or you will join him."

"You will make good target practice, _je crois_. We can never 'ave too much target practice, _n'est-ce pas_?" the guard said to his comrade, who nodded.

Tomi put himself between the guards and Rose. "You wouldn't want your guards to kill me, your precious child, Mother, now, do you?" he said, meeting her eyes fearlessly.

"Don't be a fool, Tomin. Step aside. Now where is that steward of mine? Is the mongrel too cowardly to show his face?"

"_Alors_, ze cowardice is in 'is blood, _je crois_. You know 'oo 'ee is related to, _non_?" the talkative guard piped up.

Anil glared at him. "I have just about had enough of you. Take Tomin and GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"No! I won't go!" Tomi protested as the guard set his weapon down and grabbed the boy by the arm.

"Take him up to Lord Stuart's chambers. Let him take care of the boy," Anil ordered.

"I'm your son! Please, Mother!" Tomi wailed.

"You would side with my enemies. You are no son of mine. Take him away."The female Time Manipulator's voice was cold and merciless.

"You bitch!" Jackie shrieked. Elton had to restrain her to prevent her from hurling herself at Mistress Anil. "You horrible heartless bitch!"

"Careful," the guard who was holding Tomi warned. But Anil only grinned wolfishly.

"Ah, she's a feisty one, she is. I think this will be very fun." To the guard, she barked, "What are you waiting for? Go!"

The guard nodded and dragged Tomi away, but Rose and the others could still hear the young Time Manipulator's heart-wrenching wails as he was hauled off. "Mother! Please! No!"

When the last echoes of Tomi's cries had finally died away, Anil clapped her hands and said, "Well, now that that's taken care of, let's get down to business!"

* * *

Thor clutched his head in his hands and started rocking back and forth. "No, no, no. I did not mean to. I am sorry, so sorry!"

With a loud gasp, Jack woke up. Thor jumped, causing the ex-Time Agent to chuckle. "Surprised, Benedict Arnold? You'll have to do better than that!" Jack guffawed.

"My name is not Benedict Arnold. And I did not mean to hurt you. But now I have a reason to help you," Thor retorted mournfully.

"Oh? And what's that?" Jack queried scornfully.

"I caused you pain. Now, I am in your bankruptcy," Thor explained, his green eyes wide and beseeching.

"Having trouble with those phrases again?" Jack teased. Thor glared at him. "Hey, s'all right, big guy. But that explains a lot."

Thor's eyebrow shot up. "Like what?"

Jack waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, nothing."

"If it is nothing, why did you say it?"

Jack sighed. "God, you're annoying." He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm from the future."

"Well, I knew you were a Time Agent," Thor admitted.  
"Not any more. I'm with Torchwood now."

"Ah, I think I have heard of them. They are not a nice lot. Think all aliens should die,"Thor grunted. "Why are you pulling up grass? Torchwood want it or something?"

"Sort of. But if it makes you feel better, I'm doing it at your request to save the universe and the life of a kid," Jack revealed.

"Really?" Thor gasped, intrigued. "I told you to do this, in the future? How do I look? Am I balding?"

Jack gave him a long, strange look. "You look fine."

"Ah, good. I shall pry no further. Do not want to cause the universe to implode or anything. Need help pulling up grass?"

Jack held up his fistful of uprooted grass. "Nope, this is plenty. Now, let's get out of here and save the day!"

* * *

"'Ere now, mon vieux fils, zat is enough of zat!" the guard scolded Tomin kindly.

"But I won't go! I won't!" Tomi insisted vehemently.

"Is your fazzer really zat bad?"

Tomi sniffed. "He's not my father. My father is a Pallan Time Lord. Lord Stuart is--_was--_human."

"Was 'uman? _Sacre bleu_! What is 'ee now?" the guard exclaimed.

"He's--Hold on, you're a guard. You should know these things," Tomi suddenly realized. "You're an imposter!"

The guard shrugged. "And I would've gotten away with it if it hadn't been for you pesky kid!" he said teasingly, without any trace of a French accent, as he took off his bright red beret.


End file.
